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| -- Three -- |
| 03.30.04 (4:26 am) [edit] |
Call me crazy (and those who know me will) but I started talking to Gaz again last night.
It hurts, chatting as if he didn't flip and shake my world. It hurts knowing that there are things we're not going to mention, and those things include the bitch he's with. And a part of me sees that he has the best of both worlds. He gets to chat to me, and he gets to fuck her.
I'm trying to see what I could possibly get out of this, and the only thing I can conclude is that the masochistic side of me is having the time of her life - in a miserable way, of course.
We're cautious with each other. We've been here before, of course, but then there wasn't really anyone else in the picture. I didn't have the mental images when we were here before. I didn't have the pain of shattered dreams before. Or maybe I did - he just helped me to piece them back together.
That's really the problem. He helped me piece the dreams back together, and led me to believe that he believed as well. I knew my belief was stronger, but I never thought his was that weak. I know differently now.
It hurts, as I search my mind for topics of conversation. How do you become "friends" with someone who knows your dreams (although he shattered them), knows your heart (although he broke it), and knows where you wanted to be (an option he culled with apparently little concern)?
I'm not sure what I'm doing... and for me, that's not a good thing. But it's how it has to play right now, until I do find out.
Only time will tell.
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| -- Two -- |
| 03.29.04 (2:21 am) [edit] |
I was in love.
I have been in love a few times, the last time is still happening, really - but there's no future for it. Not now, at least.
I love(d) a man from Wales. Those that know the Welsh, feel free to offer sympathy or a good smack across the back of the head - for those that don't know the Welsh, either response is valid, depeding upon how well one knows the Welsh. His name is Gaz. I'm comfortable revealing that, because in all honesty, just how many Gaz's are there in the UK? Do you know all of them? My point.
Last Wednesday, I logged online, checked the offline messages waiting for me, and my heartbreak began. Gaz had sent a message telling me he had written a protected entry for me, something that I needed to read. I read it. I wish I ignored his message. But I've always read what he's written, and so I read.
With only a few hundred words, he managed to flip my life like a snow globe. You know snow globes, right? You turn them upside down, shake them, flip them back up, and watch the snow fall. The globe is my life, the snow my reality. Ever hear the phrase "Reality is thin on the ground"? My reality was floating around me, and I wasn't sure which way was up.
Gaz is the third man who has ever done that to me. The first was the man I was going to marry. The second is the man who is still one of my best friends. And I thought Gaz was the light guiding me through the fog, leading me home.
Hey, I was wrong.
But not entirely. I sometimes hate my mind, but I'd rather not go anywhere without it.
I once sent him a SMS - recently, actually - asking if he had ever had the feeling that there was a window of opportunity for us that was closing. He didn't reply then, but we talked about it briefly later. Not enough it seems.
And I was right - the window was closing. In fact, it has closed. It closed when he started seeing someone else. It was locked when he told me.
I miss him. My heart aches with the loss of my friend and lover, and the sharp edges of shattered dreams now litter the paths I walk.
I've been here before, and I know this is the way it has to be for me. I know the ache will heal, and most of the sharp edges will wear down eventually. I just have to get through it.
I hope she genuinely makes him happy the way he says she does. That's all I ever wanted for him. To be happy. He's really been through too much to settle for anything less, but I fear that he will.
But that's no longer allowed to be my concern.
My concern is now myself - without him.
I hope to find myself here, or failing that, finding some clues as to where I should look. I need to make sure my feet are firmly on my path, and need to see where it's taking me.
And if that path leads me back to him, then so be it. If it takes me further away, then that's okay as well. I've been here, and will remember.
But for now, I miss him. And it hurts.
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| -- One -- |
| 03.28.04 (4:49 am) [edit] |
*deep breath*
So.... this is my new 'home'. Needs life, needs colour... but it's clean.
Left my last 'home' because there were too many memories, and too easy a link or three to follow.
Welcome, to all the new faces. I'm sure we'll get to know each other soon.
And to all the familiar faces - thanks for dropping by... It makes a difference.
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