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| -- Eleven -- |
| 09.17.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
Said good-bye to the shadow again last night. Well, I left an offline message. His response: Why do you act with such drama?
It's funny. This is me. He always wanted me to be me, and this is me. And he questions it. Oh well.
I don't belong there anymore. I wasn't really ever part of that group. It wasn't bad when Heather was around more frequently. I seemed to fit in better then. Or maybe it was because I fitted into that whole site better. Does it matter? (She's gone too, but that's neither here nor there...) I don't feel like I fit there any more.
Sometimes I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I know... I have my Word to look forward to, but still sometimes I don't feel like I fit in.
I left work early on Thursday. Zoned out here at home for awhile. Finished reading a book. When I emerged from the pages, I wondered - as I do. I wondered where I was. My contentment seemed to be within those pages. Everything else was pale. Perhaps it was just me, just then. Not feeling well, emerging from a world where things worked out, and into one where I don't know all the rules. Perhaps it's just me as I am anyway.
I wish I knew.
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| -- Ten -- |
| 04.07.04 (4:20 am) [edit] |
My working Wednesday is over.
Thank fuck.
Let's take a look at what's happening right now.
The Service Manager is off on leave - leaving the workshop office to myself and Mark, the foreman. Which means a steep learning curve for me once again, as I suddenly learn what it is the manager usually does. Mark's a good enough guy, but happier out playing with the big toys than in front of the computer.
There are trucks coming in left, right and centre (well, actually via the front gate, but you get the idea), so the guys are busy.
There was a problem with the after-hours contact phone, which Robbo didn't mind at all, since he was on call, but I'm sure there are a few people out there who aren't happy. Found out later in the day that the loss of signal is apparently a common problem with the type of phone, and nothing to do with Telstra.
However, since I learnt about the problem just after all net communication went down, I was free with the idea that some idiot somewhere did something. I was right, but it was just another idiot somewhere else.
The computer problems continued. I entered the main office, making sure that everyone was experiencing the same communication difficulties, and discovered that, not only was the net connection down, but that the receptionist decided to infect the front office PC with Netsky.S.
There are two computer systems at work. The PC's - which are used for the standard net communication, word processing, as well as other office tasks, dependent upon the department, and the in-house system, which is on an entirely different computer, and therefore free from virus attacks.
All up, it took me about 5 hours to stop get all the message windows from Nortons under control, to update the virus definitions and to track down and delete the little fucker of a file that caused the havoc.
They don't mind having me work there - I know enough about computers to know how to repair something, even if it takes me a little bit longer. I work cheaply - they just have to pay my standard wage, whereas a computer tech would be charging at least 5 times my hourly rate, on top of a callout fee. I partially kicked myself for not doing the bleedingly obvious (which was physically disconnecting the LAN connection), but I eventually saved the day.
Now, I'm just sitting back and waiting for it to happen again.
The receptionist is a nice girl (I say girl, because I'm certain she's younger than what I am. Then again, a lot of people working there are younger than what I am.) but she hasn't figured out that just because an email says that it's been scanned for viruses, that it says it's virus free, and because Nortons didn't put up a notice saying "OI! This ain't what we want here!", it's not a good idea to open the attachment when it doesn't look familiar.
Honestly, why would anyone with a business connection to the company simply send an email with the text "Here is the file you requested." with no salutation or signature? Sheesh.
But then again, I guess the one good thing about our receptionist is she's probably willing to buy a bridge.
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| -- Nine -- |
| 04.05.04 (4:08 am) [edit] |
Well, that's another day down.
Nothing really thrilling happened. Returned my TV remote. They'll let me know what can be done.
Bought more coffee, and Matrix Revolutions.
My boss is away until next week.
It is twelve days to my birthday.
It still hurts, and I wish there was someone (not Someone in particular though) here to hold me.
Oh well. Monday down. The rest of my life to go.
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| -- Eight -- |
| 04.04.04 (3:50 am) [edit] |
Today, I spent the morning sleeping - ensconced in dreaming oblivion. I can't remember what I dreamt, but I don't think many of them included him. None were vivid, or lingering.
I watched movies (the first two Matrix movies, and And Now For Something Completely Different, just started on George of the Jungle), and ached. Aching is going to be my MO for awhile.
I sat outside for awhile earlier, finished off Birthright by Nora Roberts, and looked up and saw a rainbow. Sang Rainbow Connection and watched it grow across the sky and then fade. As I did, I wondered if the answer was really just in front of me. I wondered what I was doing wrong, and if the answer had been with me all along.
I'm not so sure if the answer is here. I don't know. I hate that. I hate not knowing.
Writing this isn't achieving anything constructive. I'm just writing because I might as well.
It hurts to know that he took the tools I gave him and used them against me. It hurts to know that she now gets to enjoy what I've taught him, gets to enjoy what I have enjoyed only through words. It hurts to know that for me telephone conversations with him only lasted a few minutes, but apparently they talked a lot. It pleased me to find out that I make her jealous, but pisses me off knowing that I can no longer do that, or do more.
I severed all forms of communication Friday night. I closed it all. It's over. It's ended.
Now I just have to find a way to let it go.
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| -- Seven -- Responding to Six's Comment -- |
| 04.03.04 (6:10 pm) [edit] |
You asked me if I believe that things will be okay. I started to reply as a comment, but figured I might as well just write a blog.
I do believe that it will get better.
Or rather, I don't have to believe it.
I simply know it. I don't have to believe it, just the same way I don't have to believe in this desk to know it'll hold my computer, books, etc. It's there. I don't have to believe in the sunrise for it to happen. And yes, there are days when it's just a flaming ball of gas appearing in the sky but for other people, it's still the sun.
I don't have to believe that it'll be alright, because I know things will be.
But I believe anyway - because more things happen when you do.
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| -- Six -- The Second -- |
| 04.03.04 (3:11 am) [edit] |
Was just outside, smoking a cigarette. Happened to look up, as I tend to do when I'm outside of a night. I like the look of the stars. Have always loved the stars.
We used to do that when I was young, when we lived out of town. We'd sit outside, and just look at the sky. I used to be disappointed when I couldn't see the satellites. But we rarely saw a shooting star.
(And yes, I know, they're meteorites burning up in the atmosphere, but please remember I perpetually live within an ideologically unsound, rose-coloured delusion of my own fabrication, and therefore they are shooting starts.)
I remember seeing a shooting star one night with Eric. He had just stopped outside the house, and we were standing near the car, saying goodnight. We were both looking at the sky, and we both saw it.
I saw a shooting star a few weeks ago. I was sitting outside, reading, and happened to see the light. It was large - I guess it was a decent size of space junk - burning it's way through the sky.
I just saw one then, as I stood outside, thinking random thoughts.
I never seem to be able to make a wish on a shooting star - there never seems to be time. The first thought I have is usually "Oh wow..." and then it's gone - burning out of existence just as I start to appreciate it's dying beauty. Seems to be the way.
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| -- Six -- |
| 04.03.04 (2:48 am) [edit] |
Well, I went to work to make up for not going yesterday. Did a few things, sorted out some crap. The model trucks I ordered for my brother finally showed up, so I'll pay for them on Monday.
Stopped off at McDonald's on the way home. If Mum didn't have to pick up some photos at the same shopping centre, I would have headed to the other side of town. It would have been less stressful :wink:
Came home, sat down, watched Gladiator. Listened to the music, and started to ache.
Dyed my hair (black-red, which Heather will remember from Bundy), watched the bonus disc, listened to more of the music and started to ache.
I miss him. But last night was the end of it. I doubt there will be any more communication between us. And for that, I'm aching. It's over.
It's over.
I don't let things go easily, but I know I'll get through this. Eventually.
I'm an Aries Fire Snake with an Aquarian Ascendant. I have nines across my numerological chart. I contributed to every relationship breakup, even this one, but I can get through it. I can get over it. I can move on.
Tomorrow is another day. And the day after that will be brighter in some ways than what tomorrow will be.
He flipped and shook my world like a snow globe, and my reality was thin on the ground, floating down around me. It'll happen again, eventually. But next time, it'll be different. I'm going to recalibrate ground level to where I want to me, and head on from there.
Yeah, I'm mixing analogies, but it's the only way I can write this at the moment. I know what I'm saying, and I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Gottta find my ground level. Change the stage. The show goes on, and he is no longer in the scene. And I'll do it.
Eventually.
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| -- Five -- |
| 04.02.04 (4:16 am) [edit] |
I'm a fucking idiot... worse than that, I'm an obsessive idiot.
My need to know "why" will keep me pushing down painful paths - and it's throwing me back into the same pit over and over again.
I should know all this by now. You'd think that, right? You'd think that since I've been here before, I'd stop doing the things that hurt.
But as I said - I'm obsessive. I have an addictive nature - not one that other people become addicted on, but one where I become addicted. Hence the reason why I'm a smoker - and if I'm not careful, most likely near or on the path to becoming an alcoholic... wouldn't that be fun boys and girls?
I'm addicted to him. I love(d) making him laugh and smile. I love(d) hearing about his day. But right now, I hate hearing about his plans for spending time with her.
I know I'm not there. I know I can't be there, that I can't have the time with him that she gets. And the Aries side of me (the Sun, Moon and Venus, thank you very much...) is just proclaiming how fucking unfair it is... other parts of me just counter that with logic and reason.
Oh well. Shit happens.
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| -- Four -- |
| 04.01.04 (4:35 am) [edit] |
End of month proceeded okay at work... I got through the things I needed to do fine. The problems occurred today, but they weren't anything I needed to worry about.
So work continues.
In other news, he's not online at the moment. He wasn't online last night, and I felt okay - but I knew he wasn't around. Tonight, he isn't around, or isn't replying, and I'm wondering. I do that too much for my own good, I know. But hey, shit happens.
I've just finished talking to Dave, and it's good to have that consistency right now. No matter how long it's been since he and I talked, we seem to slide right back into the old routine and pattern.
Maybe that's what I'm trying to find with Gaz. But I know that won't work - Gaz and I don't have the same base, the same foundation. And that makes me sad, in some way. Whatever friendship we have/had is too tangled up in everything else we were. There's too much mixed up, and nothing to fall back onto - nothing that's outside.
I'm half thinking that my first idea of not communicating with him was right. But it hurts to let go, it hurts to walk away, to admit that the brass ring I was reaching for is actually out of reach. I don't want it to end, but I know that nothing will be accomplished or achieved if it doesn't.
I need to break the addiction that is Gaz.
Unfortunately, there's no patches, no pills to help me get over him. A lot of mindless sex might work for awhile, but in the end, he'll still creep into my mind. Hell, even after five and a half years, Eric still creeps into my mind.
Lately, I've been looking at the jewellery I wear - especially the solitary ring on my left hand. I had stopped wearing jewellery there for awhile after the engagement ended, but eventually (mentally) reclaimed my right to wear jewellery wherever I wanted. But just lately, I've looked at that ring, and known it was wrong. Wrong colour, wrong metal, wrong stone. I don't want my engagement ring back, but I sometimes find myself thinking that there is supposed to be something else there. I wish I knew what.
I've also been thinking about Dave a lot lately - slotting him into a different position in my life - seeing how he'd fit. I have slotted him there before - back when I was in love with him and not just loving him as I do now - but this time, I'm looking at it in a different way. Not exactly settling, but close. Dave isn't second - he'd never be a "second", but he's an option, a choice, something different. He probably wouldn't be thrilled at my thoughts, but a part of me wonders if he'd like them nonetheless.
I don't know. I just don't know. I don't think I ever did. Or maybe it's just because the path I was following has now been cut short. I once again find myself in a position to choose my direction - solo, alone. And I can see myself in so many places, but don't know how to get there.
I'm tired. I just wish I knew what to do.
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| -- Three -- |
| 03.30.04 (4:26 am) [edit] |
Call me crazy (and those who know me will) but I started talking to Gaz again last night.
It hurts, chatting as if he didn't flip and shake my world. It hurts knowing that there are things we're not going to mention, and those things include the bitch he's with. And a part of me sees that he has the best of both worlds. He gets to chat to me, and he gets to fuck her.
I'm trying to see what I could possibly get out of this, and the only thing I can conclude is that the masochistic side of me is having the time of her life - in a miserable way, of course.
We're cautious with each other. We've been here before, of course, but then there wasn't really anyone else in the picture. I didn't have the mental images when we were here before. I didn't have the pain of shattered dreams before. Or maybe I did - he just helped me to piece them back together.
That's really the problem. He helped me piece the dreams back together, and led me to believe that he believed as well. I knew my belief was stronger, but I never thought his was that weak. I know differently now.
It hurts, as I search my mind for topics of conversation. How do you become "friends" with someone who knows your dreams (although he shattered them), knows your heart (although he broke it), and knows where you wanted to be (an option he culled with apparently little concern)?
I'm not sure what I'm doing... and for me, that's not a good thing. But it's how it has to play right now, until I do find out.
Only time will tell.
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| -- Two -- |
| 03.29.04 (2:21 am) [edit] |
I was in love.
I have been in love a few times, the last time is still happening, really - but there's no future for it. Not now, at least.
I love(d) a man from Wales. Those that know the Welsh, feel free to offer sympathy or a good smack across the back of the head - for those that don't know the Welsh, either response is valid, depeding upon how well one knows the Welsh. His name is Gaz. I'm comfortable revealing that, because in all honesty, just how many Gaz's are there in the UK? Do you know all of them? My point.
Last Wednesday, I logged online, checked the offline messages waiting for me, and my heartbreak began. Gaz had sent a message telling me he had written a protected entry for me, something that I needed to read. I read it. I wish I ignored his message. But I've always read what he's written, and so I read.
With only a few hundred words, he managed to flip my life like a snow globe. You know snow globes, right? You turn them upside down, shake them, flip them back up, and watch the snow fall. The globe is my life, the snow my reality. Ever hear the phrase "Reality is thin on the ground"? My reality was floating around me, and I wasn't sure which way was up.
Gaz is the third man who has ever done that to me. The first was the man I was going to marry. The second is the man who is still one of my best friends. And I thought Gaz was the light guiding me through the fog, leading me home.
Hey, I was wrong.
But not entirely. I sometimes hate my mind, but I'd rather not go anywhere without it.
I once sent him a SMS - recently, actually - asking if he had ever had the feeling that there was a window of opportunity for us that was closing. He didn't reply then, but we talked about it briefly later. Not enough it seems.
And I was right - the window was closing. In fact, it has closed. It closed when he started seeing someone else. It was locked when he told me.
I miss him. My heart aches with the loss of my friend and lover, and the sharp edges of shattered dreams now litter the paths I walk.
I've been here before, and I know this is the way it has to be for me. I know the ache will heal, and most of the sharp edges will wear down eventually. I just have to get through it.
I hope she genuinely makes him happy the way he says she does. That's all I ever wanted for him. To be happy. He's really been through too much to settle for anything less, but I fear that he will.
But that's no longer allowed to be my concern.
My concern is now myself - without him.
I hope to find myself here, or failing that, finding some clues as to where I should look. I need to make sure my feet are firmly on my path, and need to see where it's taking me.
And if that path leads me back to him, then so be it. If it takes me further away, then that's okay as well. I've been here, and will remember.
But for now, I miss him. And it hurts.
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| -- One -- |
| 03.28.04 (4:49 am) [edit] |
*deep breath*
So.... this is my new 'home'. Needs life, needs colour... but it's clean.
Left my last 'home' because there were too many memories, and too easy a link or three to follow.
Welcome, to all the new faces. I'm sure we'll get to know each other soon.
And to all the familiar faces - thanks for dropping by... It makes a difference.
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